Well well...it has been awhile, hasn't it? The recent re-opening of The Diner encouraged me to pen/find this little addition to what is bound to be an unfinished piece. Oh well. The original text is all copy-pasted below and the new part is in bold to make for easy scrolldownitude. Enjoy.
I was enjoying an afternoon in the bathroom the other day, standing up and eating a sandwich. I was dressed as a newborn babe, in only the skin God gave ‘em, and was quite enjoying myself, until I heard some Awful coming from the adjoining room. Apparently, the couple in the next room was having Troubles.
“If you want to be with me, you can’t be all over me. If you love guilt annoying commitment love hate guilt ego-smashing deal compromise blah-“
I’m no eavesdropper. It wasn’t some voyeuristic fantasy of mine to be naked with no clothes on and flog myself with a sandwich in the bathroom of a shitty apartment complex, gyrating and sweating and pumping to the sounds of an overweight housewife and her cop boyfriend discussing their “problems”. Because...I’m not that creative.
“Communication is important to me, and it should be important blah blah more guilt, pain Oprah-logic, guilt-“
It was as if someone had sneaked a funnel of Bad soup into my ears and once the stuff had settled...it was impossible to ignore. I tried to shake my head, shake away these awful, clichéd arguments, but I got fouled up in the shower curtain and very nearly lost myself completely.
“-respect woman not blah what-“
It was getting to be too much. I couldn’t stay in the bathroom, not with that noise. There was no possibility of staying in my place. The way my apartment looked, I wanted to hire a maid just to see her quit on the spot.
The woman across the hall must have been finished. Maybe she was in the midst of another guilt-inducing, five-year-old silent treatment operation. All I knew was, there was suddenly silence.
Show time!
I ripped open the door, stomped out stark naked as a Jay, proud and dripping and arrogantly flexing, and slammed my apartment door. Things were getting rough in there, I thought, can’t get involved with that awful affair.
I had a meeting, besides. My attaché case waited for my eager hands, leaning listlessly against the doorframe. “Alright!”, I nearly shrieked, trying to get some old sneakers on. “Alright, goddamn it, I’m coming, I’m coming”. I threw on a ratty, old T-shirt and yanked up a pair of shorts from the floor.
My head creeped cautiously, slowly, from just inside my door. From just beyond the next door, the Bad was suddenly back, screaming and sobbing all at once, with Things being thrown at the walls, the door, threw windows. Too much.
I pounced on the hallway. Horrible, yellow and off-purple carpeting, hard walls knocking me away, hurrying hurrying to get away. The neighbor’s door snapped at me, baring its jangling, metal fangs, but retreated just as swiftly as it had leaped open. I hunched down and charged for the stairs, both hands locking the case in front of my face.
I plunged down the staircase, the case swinging heavily in my hand, almost tearing my arm off. Sunlight. Light. Terrible and in my eyes, ripped at my tired eyes like a cheap pair of rusty scissors. It was an appalling morning, and the day had barely begun.
The sun baked me, the palest potato ever seen by man. I looked for the car, the ride, my blue-white salvation, but it was no where in sight. As I sat roasting, the sweat & steam of sunlight on sad skin in my nose, I thought back to the phone call.
“Come on, man”, the voice had said. “I need to eat. We need to get this thing sorted out, and you’re the only one who knows where to go for that.” We had it all sorted; in a matter of minutes, the arrangements were made. He hung up and I called ahead for reservations, gritting my teeth at the phone when they asked for a name. Only an alias would do; I gave them the Clark name, which has certain weight attached to it.
Slamming the phone down, I gritted my teeth. I had a savage Wait to burn through, eighty or so minutes until my driver arrived. My teeth ground together roughly, sparking. I could taste my fingernails before I even looked down and saw they’d been chewed. Food, I thought finally. I could do for a sandwich.
One of the few freedoms we are granted is the immunity against clothes, which all Americans are privy to. I like to take advantage of this Right as much as possible. I also enjoy bathes. It made perfect sense, then, to engage in both consumption and ablution simultaneously.
Problems, as they inevitably do, arose in the paper-thin walls that separated me from my warring neighbors. As I sat down on the toilet, I thought I heard whispering.
I turned the stereo low, almost to nothing but just enough so that if they were listening to me, they would still think I was listening to the stereo. My ears peered through wall, trying to pick up the least sound.
Nothing. Okay.
Tentatively my shaking finger raised the volume knob. My spine was poised, rigid, waiting for anything. I am quite sure that if even a cockroach had coughed my legs would be the only thing still hanging in through the window, the rest of me stuffed through in a blind, white terror panic. Or I could always jam myself down the toillet if-
The phone rang again, jarring my thoughts like a mouthful of tinfoil for the brain. “Goddamn it!” My answering machine lurched into life, shrieking my driver’s voice.
“There’s been a change, I’m on my way now. I hope you’re ready, things are getting hairy over here. Be there”
Then the Awful started.
As I sat in the sun, fanning myself awkwardly with the large case, I hear the show continuing; it sounded like the woman had gotten it into her head to start pumping their whole precious life together out the window. Chairs and vases, photo albums and pillows, all turning and twirling, becoming just more Things on the lawn.
I hear and engine and before my eyes even register it, the car is there. Blue with white strips, “for speed” my drivers always said, and roaring. I cast a last look at the building, watching the first fingers of a white couch inch their way out the window.
“Get me the fuck out of here, man, on the double!”
Car rides are boring. My driver had a cigarette. I thumbed through his CD collection, turned off what I considered crap, turned it back on when he starting shouting and swerving, and then grudgingly gave him directions.
At last we pulled in at exactly 5:42 PM. A stylish screech of rubber told everyone inside we had arrived. I would not walk in there unannounced. I shoved my driver through the door and shouted for a table. The only way to handle him now was with a firm hand. We sat in a booth near the back and I set to the task of straightening the man out. He had upended a bottle of speed into his mouth on the way. "I only meant to take two!" He hissed through clenched teeth. I could see Fear behind his eyes. What would the awful stuff do to him, I thought. How much did that bottle have left in it? I couldn't remember. I had given it to him from my ataché case, the top wrenched off righteously and thrown into the footwell. I remembered him saying something about keeping both hands on the wheel as he fished inside the bottle with his tongue. I saw the pothole before he did, made a wild lunge for the wheel, but it was too late. Before we knew it that fiednish bugger was halfway down his goddamn throat. I reacted calmly and quickly. I immediately curled my fingers into my battle-tested "lobster pincers" grip that I had picked up from a martial arts man while I was on assignment in Indonesia. It worked. I yanked/threw the bottle and it flew out the window with a cough. Pills scattered everywhere, but he must have swallowed half of them. Madness. Now what? Surely he was bound to make a scene. Before we placed our order I was lightheartedly flirting with the waitress. She casually tapped my driver on the shoulder and unknowingly jolted him away from some sort of drug coma. You'd have thought she'd stolen his wallet and pistol whipped him...
That's as far as I got. Be well.
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